CNN informs* that some audiences of James Cameron’s DANCES WITH WOLVES…IN SPACE! technical masterpiece that is AVATAR have become depressed that the data-node world of Pandora doesn’t exist. We were sure this was a joke. Surely this is The Onion catching readers unawares (again). To date, The Onion has not step forward to claim their prize.

We’ve got a few minutes to kill so we’re just gonna run with this anyway.**

A post by a user called Elequin expresses an almost obsessive relationship with the film.

“That’s all I have been doing as of late, searching the Internet for more info about ‘Avatar.’ I guess that helps. It’s so hard I can’t force myself to think that it’s just a movie, and to get over it, that living like the Na’vi will never happen. I think I need a rebound movie,” Elequin posted.

Congratulations, Elequin ,you’re a geek! It appears you’ve avoided this road for many unfulfilled years of your life. But it was meant to be. That nerdy closet door opened to reveal a life-sized poster of Darth Vader pointing at you proclaiming your allegiance to the “Dark Side.” You are now ready to discover the 9.1 metric billion tons of spinning steel, the living biomechanoid starship piloted by a Henson puppet, and, of course, the floating mountains of Pandora.

Be warned. You will be forced to take sides in the neverending battle for your useless-information rich soul.

“Ever since I went to see ‘Avatar’ I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na’vi made me want to be one of them. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it,” Mike posted. “I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be re-birthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.’ “

You live in the 21st fucking century. There are phones the size of tea cups. There are TVs the size of great danes. You can SMS the entire Internet capable world about your breakfast habits and how you’re never drinking again. You can judge a movie, without ever watching it, and fail small movie studios with time-released snark. Japan is microseconds away from completing our metal and plastic replacements. Your car, that tea cup sized phone, hell even your refrigerator can talk to the Internet, tell it things.

We didn’t want to mention it but the possibilities of Rule 34 increase exponentially every day.

Wrights Water Gardens by Theremina on Flickr

If you’re thinking there’s no place on Earth as beautiful or awe inspiring as the fictional Pandora we ask you to stand up, open your eyes, and look harder.

Other fans have expressed feelings of disgust with the human race and disengagement with reality.

We also find it curious that humanity as portrayed in AVATAR disgusted your fragile, little minds while the exploration of the humans are bastards concepts in DISTRICT 9 drifted right on by. That’s a coffee fueled rant for another time.

*Seeing a CNN writer flex his Onion writing skills is more than a bit disturbing.

**Pretty sure we’ll regret this when it turns out to be a hoax.

(via @sevendaggers, CNN)