Groonkly Bits

All of you lazy Home Theater watching bastards can sit there and suck it.

I’m venturing outside to brave the traffic and cell phones and sticky floors and talky bastards. That’s what *real* movie watching is all about. After visiting PnP for the first time in 2008, my watch list grew to supermassive proprtions. I won’t get around to all of them, I’m sure, but I’ll give it the old college try.

Which means twice in my case.

This list is in no particular order. My “Most Interested In” films are linked and bolded:

IRON MAN
INKHEART (“Gollum” as a crafty Big Bad. yes!)
THE DARK KNIGHT (Damn skippy, I’m watching this!)
CLOVERFIELD
JUMPER
PRINCE CASPIAN
INDIANA JONES (and the forgetful long ass title They named the dog Indiana, you know?)
HARRY POTTER (and the shortened to shallowness plot)
WALL-E (Maybe. The trailers are not winnin’ any prizes.)
STAR TREK (Might as well.)
SWEENEY TOOD
HULK (Even though I dug Ang Lee’s version alright enough.)
HELLBOY’s GOLDEN ARMY
WANTED (Even though I feel it will suck beyond all measure.)
PERSEPOLIS (As mentioned before.)

POWER OF THE DARK CRYSTAL (?!? OMG I’ve got to see that! Marked for 2009 though)

SUKIYAKI WESTERN DJANGO (East and West. Swords and Guns. Yes and when?)

TEETH (How I missed TEETH in 2007 I do not know. Just look at its trailer. Scary!)

I read there may be a new HAMLET coming to theaters in 08. I’ve mentioned before that the older I get, the more I like Shakespeare. Someone needs to make up for that horror that Mel Gibson did back in the 90s.

Kenneth Branagh, will you not save us…again?

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I would have a lot more faith in the movie JUMPER if a certain Destroyer of the Old Republic wasn’t the hero. If, say, that Billy Elliot kid were the lead instead, my faith would bamf past excitment and blink straight into a super-powered geek-frenzy.*

Despite that nagging little voice in my head that says JUMPER won’t live up to my admittedly lofty story telling standards, I must confess. I’ve set aside $8, a tub of popcorn and a vat of Smirnoff-infused Coca-Cola for President’s Day. The PTBs subtle as a sledgehammer addition of “Samuel L. Jackson: Jumper Hunter” sealed that deal.

*Fellow Marvel Zombies, I trust you see what I did there.

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The much talked about amongst entertainment makers and watchers Writer’s Strike has struck. The last time I remember such a thing happening MOONLIGHTING was already slowly fizzling out of its concentrated funny. The strike didn’t do them any favors. The only reason I cared about angry writers back then was because it disrupted the hell out of my viewing pleasures.

That was some time ago. A time when watching good TV shows was my only ambition. Sad times, indeed.

Nowadays I’ve a different interest in creator’s getting what they’re owed. Seeing that I’m working on being one of those creators of one of those shows that you’ll hate but it won’t matter cause it’ll be popular and I’ll be rich and doing blow off strippers’ bellies in my palatial Kyoto Farmhouse on the Oregon coast which will be fully stocked with Bare Knuckle on tap.

I have lists. So many lists. The year 21st century has news sources(mostly New Media: irony not ignored) spilling the beans on this century’s creative revolution. The following(some of them now under the cut) are quotes from news sources and the blogs of creators whose work I admire. If you’re interested in such things, I suggest you click on the relevant embedded links for full opinions on the matter.

Mark Evanier: At some point in those few weeks, the Producers will be out there, citing the programs and movies that are still in production, selling press stories that say, “Gee, we’re not being hurt very much.” But of course, even as they’re saying that, execs are meeting to discuss what they’ll do in two weeks or three or whenever the backlog runs out. (One thing to keep in mind is that most of the media is controlled by companies we’re striking. If some development in this story is very bad for the Producers, how fairly do we think it will be reported on a channel owned by Disney or in a magazine owned by Rupert Murdoch?)

Warren Ellis:The WGA go out on strike today. If you’re in LA, give ’em a wave if you see them on picket. Regardless of what you might think of their negotiating team and tactics, the WGA are making a stand over some things that genuinely matter.

James Gunn: The only reason for the strike – and don’t believe anything to the contrary – is that the studios have refused to pay writers (and screen actors, and directors) residuals on new media. When you download a movie from Amazon or a TV show on iTunes, the people who created that content, who devised it, wrote it, acted in it, and directed it, get exactly 0% of the profits. And the studios want it to stay that way.

Stephen Falk: After fucking you once, Big Business certainly isn’t going to suddenly grow a conscience and un-fuck you years later out of the goodness of their heart. And that’s exactly what they’re trying to do right now. Fuck us hard. Not only are they refusing to renegotiate DVDs (claiming giving us 8 cents per DVD instead of 4 would make them too sad), they’re trying to jam all “new media” like streaming and digital downloads under that same equation; they have actually refused “for overriding business reasons” to negotiate at all over new media. (Streaming video would be completely unpaid, even if it’s ad-supported because they claim all streaming video EVEN IF THEY SHOW THE EPISODE OR FEATURE FILM IN ITS ENTIRETY is “promotional”. Seriously.)

A couple of news bits were dropped on the entertainment blogs ONTD and The Superficial.

• Celebs Talk About the Writers Strike
• Hollywood writers strike as talks fail
• JULIA-LOUIS DREYFUS joins the line
• Tina Fey talks a few things on video (That insider freak manages to not ask her for any blow)

Twitter has a Writer’s Strike twitter collecting news from all over the ‘net scape.

• http://twitter.com/writersstrike

Wonderful insights on Comics and the WGA by Bags and Boards.

Brian K. Vaughan also suggested United Hollywood for, “consistently dependable source of good information about the strike.”

• United Hollywood
• Writer’s Guild have a You Tube
• And an instructional on the basics of the strike
• An inspiring email via wannabetvwriter’s blog

And wonders continue to surprise. Ze Frank broke his silence/hiatus and said a word or two via his blog.

It’s Norma Rae up in this bitch, people. Or Chief Tyrol if that’s how you roll. Stand up and take notice.

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I care nothing about what that ghastly popular internet ninja may say. (Seriously, Mister, I never asked.) PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3: AT WORLD’S END entertained the hell out of me. I say the same for PIRATES 2: DEAD MAN’S CHEST. Hella fun flicks. But back to PIRATES 3.

PROS:

1. Sad and oddly uplifting pirate songs sung by doomed pirates.
2. Captain Jack Sparrow in his personal hell(Davy Jones Locker) as only Johnny Depp could pull that off.
3. Bill Nighy(Davy Jones) chewing up every minute of screen time.
4. Crab sigils.
5. Boat’s a rockin.
6. Captain Barbossa being the other rogue you love to hate.
7. Naomie Harris’ beauty shining through her extreme pirate-scurvy eyes and licorice-blackened-mouth witch make-up.
8. The strangely moving scene between Bootstrap Bill(Stellan SkarsgÃ¥rd) and Kiera Knightly on Davy Jones’ ship.
9. A council of pirates!? Oh, hells, yeah!
10. Nine pieces of whatever’s lying around.
11. Keith Richards being brilliant as Papa Sparrow.
12. Flaming undead monkeys.
13. Johnny Depp cause let’s face facts, without him in the picture making things wonderfully weird, what would the PIRATES trilogy be? It’d be CUTTHROAT ISLAND with magic. Bland, listless magics that even a kraken wouldn’t liven up.
14. Staying after the credits for the last scene. True closure is there.
15. I will be sizing up pirate clothes for Halloween, and other occasions.

CONS:

1. The moment I realized I was watching Chow Yun Fat on the screen, was the moment I realized he needed more screen time.
2. Too much bargaining going on. We get it. Pirates are tricky bastards. Let’s move on to other piratey things. Breaking up Depp’s scene in that way was a travesty.
3. Speeches about freedom that ramble and are rather uninspiring yet manage(miraculously) to inspire all the same.
4. Insane amounts of ship-sieging and pirate-fighting towards the end. Trim that shit down fellas.
5. Unnecessary slow motion dying. Not sure what point they were trying to get across there. Maybe it would have been better if he were literally hoisted on his own petard. (Or maybe that was what is was supposed to be? bah. it was still a bit much.)
6. Angsty love story that should have been consummated in PIRATES 2. There’s only so much whining about not understanding each each a fella can take before you’re done with love. If they were together in PIRATES 2 you could have easily explored new ground in that life at sea in PIRATES 3
7. I will be sizing up pirate clothes for Halloween, and other occasions. Me in pirate get-up. Nothing good can come of that.

In the end, for a movie fashioned around a theme park ride, the damn thing did ok by me. Seriously, what were you expecting? LOST IN TRANSLATION*? Boy were you at the wrong movie.

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The weekend is here but I saw GRINDHOUSE on a Monday. I’m just cool like that.

Quick Lesson: A film makes you think. Think about rain forests. Think about culture or why The World turns your shit on its ear, all of that. That’s a film’s job. That’s what it does.

A movie is distraction. You laugh, or you cry, or you kill the bad guys while executing a reverse back flip onto a three-legged horse and ride off with the lady at sunset. That’s their function. They are catharsis taken through the eyes and ears.

Some films are so full of high-minded snootiness that you want to beat them past death with a shit-shovel. Some movies are so blindly idiotic and artless that shit-shovel death would be a mercy. (Folks in The Biz seem to excel at those.) You can mix and match to your leisure, of course, but that’s the visual arts in my nutshell.

Now when we talk about GRINDHOUSE, or PLANET TERROR/DEATH PROOF, we’re talking full-on movie loving from the heart and crotch(in that special tickle sort of way). It’s a tribute to all the crappy movies that managed to inspire.

GRINDHOUSE is the funnest movie I’ve seen this year.

PLANET TERROR/DEATH PROOF
I went into GRINDHOUSE as sure as satan it would be my first love. The theatrical trailer already had me crushing on it hard. PLANET TERROR appealed to my inner 12 year old. You know the one. He’s the kid that wants to blow shit up, ride motorcycles and kill zombies until early morning. Zombies, GoGo Girls, lesbian love affairs and badass zombie killers is what I expected and it’s damn well what I got!

At the same time PLANET TERROR was disappointing. In all the mayhem carnage and, perfectly timed, off-screen sex it managed to fall a few points short of perfect. I’m sure to buy the DVD and gush to friends, strangers, whoever will listen about PT’s awesomeness. But my inner 12 year old movie lover was, if only slightly, let down.

Having said that: GoGo Girl with assault rifle leg. Fuck yeah!

The Best Trailer for a Movie that(Probably) Won’t Get Made: DON’T
Edgar Wright is genius.

PLANET TERROR/DEATH PROOF
Quentin Tarantino has this innate ability to shoot actors and actresses in the height of repose and make that shot the damn most interesting thing on the screen. The fact that DEATH PROOF had the finest women ever assembled in his movie didn’t hurt in the least. An Engineer once told me that was because QT has style.

He’s not wrong.

DEATH PROOF was a bit talky but it made my inner 16 year old, the gearhead that loves superfine ladies with attitude, giggle and squeee. It was a very manly giggle and squee. Trust me.

I hear the MPAA forced RR and QT to make cuts to the racier bits of their movies and that both directors couldn’t be happier about that. I’m sure you’ve heard, ad nausem, that grindhouses of old had missing bits of film. Teenage projectionists would cut out the naughtier bits for more personal viewings. The MPAA played right into the spirit of the grindhouse. The directors made the cuts to humorous and frustrating effect. I guess that makes MPAA screeners no better than horny teenagers who take all the good porn for themselves. The selfish bastards.

PLANET TERROR/DEATH PROOF may not have the box office gross(currently) but they are films you WANT to see. If you like fun, carnage, and sex you need to see GRINDHOUSE. If you’re under 18, you need a parent or guardian to watch GRINDHOUSE with you. Sorry, kids. You’re minds are too weak for melting balls, the sexiest non-stripper lap dance ever (possibly)filmed, and muscle cars wrecked at the speed of insanity. You’re just not old enough to handle that type of fun alone.

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Sweet zombie jesus, what did I just see?! Did I see a Frank Miller comic brilliantly adapted for the screen? Again? Did I see the unrelenting totality of Frank Miller’s ideas translated to silver screen better than Rodriguez’s SIN CITY? Surely, I didn’t. It had to be a trick of the light.

Fuck me, I did.

Zack Snyder made the often clumsy spoken-dialogue work. Yet it still sounded like things Frank Miller would say/write. 300 was beautifully shot and rendered. The B story involving Leonidas’ wife even played beautifully. It blended nicely with the battle scenes and keep us audience folk from getting “battle weary.”

And goddamn the flick simply kicked all sorts of ass!

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It’s bound to happen. In fact, I think it happens every January. I vaguely recall a Chris Rock flick using the same tactics. What happens is a movie is ready to be unleashed into the world. That flick looks tragically unfunny and is advertised to death on *all* the channels. A person with a DVR can’t even escape them. They are the zit before the photo shoot. Inescapable, embarrassing, and unpoppable by normal conventions.

They even hurt a little.

So to the makers of the aggresively unfunny* tailers of EPIC MOVIE: Please stop.

I don’t want to see a “brilliant” satirization of a metric ton of significantly more popular films. Satire is well and good, but after a while, it looks like you can’t make up anything on your own. I’m looking at you SCARY MOVIE 2, 3, & 4.

I don’t care if 2 out of 5 writers of a successfully funny movie got together to make a film on their own. Call me when 5 out of 5 of those writers are working together. Then we’d have something with potential.

As much as I want to see Paris Hilton crushed under human dead weight, I don’t want to see it happen in effigy. I want it to be real. It can be a piano. It can be a ton of bricks. It can even be an anvil handed to her just after you walk her off a cliff and suggest that she look down to get her bearings so that she falls to her doom like the cartoon character she relly is. Just as long as it’s the real Hilton you’re smothering. That would be entertainment.

Something funny(doesn’t have to be original) and that doesn’t make me regret pissing away 8 dollars would be nice.

You can’t advertise The Funny into a thing or garuantee funny just by having a “proven” celebrity as the star.(I shift my gaze to you KICKING & SCREAMING** and STEALTH.)

You just can’t.

(All this comes after a barrage of EPIC MOVIE ads around 6 in the AM today.)

*Thanks to Dirt for “agressively unfunny.”
**Thanks to Matthew for Will Ferrell’s failure.

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The Internet told me to do it.

Gone to let Dragon Con 06 eat me raw and spit me out. I’ll meet geek celebrities and be glad of it. I’ll meet the light and dark sides of geek culture and, hopefully, survive it.

Futurephone reports are a definite.

As I don’t know about my access to internetivity the next four days, I most likely won’t be back on until late Monday or Tuesday.

I was sent these clever instructions from DragonCon vets.

Great Maker, What have I gotten myself into?

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“Ultraviolet” was released onto an unsuspecting DVD world today.

Feh.

I could waste your time and mine by going into a movie rage over the horror I felt when I realized that I just pissed away $10 on a cool February evening. Flushed right down the proverbial drain never to be seen again.

But instead of boring you(and me) with the many, MANY reasons why “Ultraviolet” sucked(and really shouldn’t have because I have such a crush on “Equilibrium” that it ain’t close to funny). I’ve compiled a list of things I could have done instead of spending $8.25 on this travesty. The list is short because I didn’t break down the time wasted into billable hours. As everyone should already know, my time is priceless.

» I could have bought 4 issues of Fell. For 64 pages, I would have lived in the feral city of Snowtown. I would solve the crimes no one else wants to cause no one else cares. I’d have a crazy bartender sorta girlfriend who’d brand me with a “magic” symbol in order to protect me from the dreggs of Snowtown.

Inside Fell, my life would be anything but uninteresting.

the real city without pity

» I could have bought 3 soul-shatteringly tasty Chocolate Eclair milkeshakes from Cheeburger Cheeburger. Then I’d take Sophia Myles on the town afterwards because that’s what I promised. The Doctor could come, too. We’d need someone to drive.

i’d sell your mom for one of these

» I could have had 1 shot of deer’s blood with a side of beer. Then I could piss away my money all proper-like.

who wants licorice

» “The Big Lebowski” could have been boght in the discount DVD bin at Sam’s for a modest 8 bucks. A recent re-viewing of Lebowski puts it in the top 5 of my Coen Brothers favorites.

always keep it simple. if it’s one thing i learned in ‘Nam.

Editor’s note: Kurt Wimmer, if you happen to ego surf and land on this NSH bit of noise…feel free to contact me. I loved the heck out of “Equilibrium” and I’m dumbfounded by how you can go from that bit of awesome to “Ultra-freaking-violet.”

I’m just curious, man. Everybody’s allowed one bad movie. Kevin Smith’s was “Mallrats“. Fair warning… yours is up.

update: Dunc bought the Ultraviolet DVD. He tells me that it wasn’t that bad and that 7 minutes of character development were added to the thing. Maybe I’ll get around to watching it again just so I don’t feel so cheated and disappointed. Breath holding is not recommended.

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The mid-day call was a surprise. Charles had escaped from his responsibilities and wanted to make the most of his free time. We both have rather interesting schedule’s compared to the 9 to 5 lot. He works as a skating instructor extraordinaire while I am a bum.

So we saw Pixar‘s latest animation groove, Cars. The story was tight and the animation was fucking spectacular. I wouldn’t expect anything less from those guys. If I had a mere tenth of their skills, I’d be paid and laid.

The premise: “What if cars ruled the world instead of humans?”

A sort of “Thomas and the Magic Railroad” without the plastic faces.

The theme: A fast car learns the value in slowing down and appreciating the people(using the term loosely here) and world around him.

Yet it under-performed at the box office.

More thoughts after the jump.

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