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(Thanks to Ivan for the bird of prey photo)

By now you know the story of the bread, the bird and the Large Hadron Collider.

The bird dropped some bread on a section of outdoor machinery, eventually leading to significant over heating in parts of the accelerator. The LHC was not operational at the time of the incident, but the spike produced so much heat that had the beam been on, automatic failsafes would have shut down the machine.

What you may have missed is The Future Sabotage of the LHC theory where it is proposed that the Higgs Boson does not want to be found.

And long before that the Super-Fear of Hadron Super Collider, Silly, Won’t Die wherein some worry that daring to turn on the LHC will doom this Earth to being a Black Hole’s dinner.

From these meager scraps of super science-y notions we’ve managed to piece together the grander scheme. Here, faithful reader, is the rest of the story*:

In order to keep from being found, the Higgs Boson jumps into the nearest DeLorean, revs up to 88 MPH and tire-burns straight to a french park. HB goes to that lovely shop down the lane. Once there, it meets an even lovelier shopgirl who’s just about to take her lunch. The conversation turns from polite to romantic faster than you can say, “allons-y.” Higgs Boson realizes this may be the girl it’s been waiting for all its life.

The choice must be made. Spend a short eternity with this perky brune or fulfill its function and keep a billion people alive and complaining for a century or two more.

HB ditches the brune shopgirl and high-tails it back to the park. With tears in its millions of eyes, HB tosses bits of baguettes to the french birds. The birds, grateful for the meal, strike a conversation with their new friend. Higgs Boson tells the birds of fast cars, duty and the hot french, not-quite girlfriend that was never meant to be.

Jacques was a sensitive avian. He took the tale harder than his fine feathered friends. With a newly emo’d heart, Jacques snatches an entire baguette. One fast, furious flight to Switzerland, later, he callously tosses the loaf of baked goods into the Large Hadron Collider in defiance of a world that would deny his friend love.

Back in France, Higgs Boson leans back on its bench and smiles a thousand smiles.

*The “rest of the story” is not true. It’s a fiction. A yarn. It’s the fanciful plot conglomeration of those better than us. We blame its creation on Friday the 13th.

(facts via boingboing)

Related posts:

1. Science!: Table-Top Black Holes, NSA Building a World Computer, and The Future Sabotage of the LHC
2. Super Fear of Hadron Super Collider, Silly, Won’t Die
3. Prehistoric Ape-men had intense bird-fear
4. And a Thousand Birds Fell From the Sky
5. You Can’t Deny Your Monkey/Bird Love