“Ultraviolet” was released onto an unsuspecting DVD world today.
Feh.
I could waste your time and mine by going into a movie rage over the horror I felt when I realized that I just pissed away $10 on a cool February evening. Flushed right down the proverbial drain never to be seen again.
But instead of boring you(and me) with the many, MANY reasons why “Ultraviolet” sucked(and really shouldn’t have because I have such a crush on “Equilibrium” that it ain’t close to funny). I’ve compiled a list of things I could have done instead of spending $8.25 on this travesty. The list is short because I didn’t break down the time wasted into billable hours. As everyone should already know, my time is priceless.
» I could have bought 4 issues of Fell. For 64 pages, I would have lived in the feral city of Snowtown. I would solve the crimes no one else wants to cause no one else cares. I’d have a crazy bartender sorta girlfriend who’d brand me with a “magic” symbol in order to protect me from the dreggs of Snowtown.
Inside Fell, my life would be anything but uninteresting.
» I could have bought 3 soul-shatteringly tasty Chocolate Eclair milkeshakes from Cheeburger Cheeburger. Then I’d take Sophia Myles on the town afterwards because that’s what I promised. The Doctor could come, too. We’d need someone to drive.
i’d sell your mom for one of these
» I could have had 1 shot of deer’s blood with a side of beer. Then I could piss away my money all proper-like.
who wants licorice
» “The Big Lebowski” could have been boght in the discount DVD bin at Sam’s for a modest 8 bucks. A recent re-viewing of Lebowski puts it in the top 5 of my Coen Brothers favorites.
Editor’s note: Kurt Wimmer, if you happen to ego surf and land on this NSH bit of noise…feel free to contact me. I loved the heck out of “Equilibrium” and I’m dumbfounded by how you can go from that bit of awesome to “Ultra-freaking-violet.”
I’m just curious, man. Everybody’s allowed one bad movie. Kevin Smith’s was “Mallrats“. Fair warning… yours is up.
update: Dunc bought the Ultraviolet DVD. He tells me that it wasn’t that bad and that 7 minutes of character development were added to the thing. Maybe I’ll get around to watching it again just so I don’t feel so cheated and disappointed. Breath holding is not recommended.
