While I was living my life, I decided to watch a few movies. This is what came to mind when I did.
Super Size Me
It was good stuff. It had its melodramatic please-become-emotionally-involved-with-my-documentary moments but that could be overlooked.
Things I learned from Super Size Me are:
-McDonald?s calls people who frequent their establishments at least once a week are called “Heavy Users”.
-It visually documented that eating their food for just one month makes you gain 20 pounds and lose a couple pounds of muscle.
-Eating McD?s food destroys your liver much like alcohol.
-Their food is literally addictive.
-Vegans are annoying even especially when they?re right.
Van Helsing
What in the?
Vampire-babies can live only if they are powered by Frankenstein?s monster? Werewolf venom?? Not one shot of Kate Beckinsale nekkid??? What in fuck?s sake were you smoking Mr. Sommers?
Can I have some?
No, I take that back. I don?t need to be high to write tripe like that. This website proves that daily.
What did amuse me was the exploding vampire-babies gag. I saw that and I, as another writer is fond of saying, ?peed myself a little?. You spent 160 million dollars on a two minute sort of funny gag about exploding vampire-babies.
Your mama must be real proud of you.
Shaun of the Dead
Hi-fucking-larious. When the Zombie Apocalypse comes, this would be my story. I?d play the part of Ed. Mostly cause Shaun had a semblance of an interesting life.
There?s a thought. Let me sort this out. I would be Ed. MedicMike could be Shaun. His girlfriend would be his girlfriendf, go figure. 7d would be Pete. Matthew would be David(sorry man, you know it would be true.) And I?m out of friends to cast in my new improved from-left-field zombie flick.
I will call this gem The Clown-Faced Spider Zombie Apocalypse and it will parody the script from Shaun of the Dead tothe letter. Only mine would be set in the American suburb of sleepy ole Huntsville.
I?ll make millions.
Constantine
Better than I figured it would be, worse than it shoulda been. This better written review by Kurt Amacker explains all my problems with this piece. Though he forgot to mention that the angel Gabriel gave the most delightful performance.
I watched Constantine and had a few questions. Why does Keanu Reeves have to be the guy-who?s-gonna-save-the-whole-damn world? Why in the name of all that?s holy can?t Hollywood let that man convalesce into obscurity? Why can?t they stop dicking with a movie?s source material? I don?t even read Hellblazer regularly and I know that what I saw on screen is nothing but a shadow of a fart of what it could have been
If you actually liked Constantine more than your luggage, you should read Amacker?s response to that camp. That way I don?t have to waste my time(any more) and you can yell at him instead of me.
