Groonkly Bits

The Writer’s Strike has taught me a few things. I don’t miss series episodic TV half as much as I thought I would. If all shows in a season went down to 6 or 13 episodes per year, I think that would be a very good thing. It also taught me another important thing: I need a weekly serving of solid, wholesome satire in my diet.

Yes, THE DAILY SHOW and THE COLBERT REPORT are the only things denied me in this deserted TV land. Then they returned a week ago. They returned, without their souls. The heads and bodies were there, but the funny was down by half. I understand their return to TV in this skeleton form was needed. If they stayed off the air much longer, their studios would be in danger of shutting down forever.

So I choke down the past few weeks of Colbert and Stewart’s shows like so much cold pizza. As the saying goes, it’s better than nothing at all.

Then last night, last night the idea of James Burke‘s CONNECTIONS* in history came into play before my eyes.

Colbert’s history revealed:

Colbert’s destiny is Andrew Young:

Connections are everywhere. You’re right, Mr Young, they really do need their writers back. My brain will end up fat on cold satire if this strike goes any longer. Nobody likes a fathead.

Now take us out with a song, Stephen.

*Many thanks to Dan Carlin’s latest Hardcore History “A Fly on James Burke’s Wall” for introducing me to James Burke.

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I’ve held back on this show long enough.

You need to watch it. It is imperative that you watch it.

This isn’t the first episode of Garth Merenghi’s DARKPLACE but it is the entire episode and if you’ve watched any low-budget 1980s horror show or are familiar with the idea of the Mary Sue, you’ll get what’s going on pretty quickly. And you *will* laugh.

Good gods, you’re gonna laugh.

My hardest laugh-point is when Dean Learner takes a shotgun to the dinner plates.

Always remember:

“If you took away my paper, I would write on my heart. If you took away my ink, I’d write on the wind. It wouldn’t be an ideal way to work.”
Garth Merenghi

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Celebrity cameos ruled my DVR remote last week. Two shows that I dumped by the wayside many moons ago reeled me in with their geek hiring sensibilities. I’ve finished both of them in my leisure time. (waits for friends’ snide remakrs to die down) and this is what I learned from each.

CRIMINAL MINDS “Penelope”

I was barely hanging on to the idea of CRIMINAL MINDS last year. Mandy Patinkin was the only draw for my continued loyalty. Kirsten Vangsness‘, Penelope, was a close second. But her appearances were so short she was barely more than a recurring character. By happy accident, I tripped across Nick Brendon’s Audblog which promoted his CM cameo. Glad that Brendon was getting a new chance at TV, I press record.

Imagine my surprise when Penelope got her turn to shine in the one episode I dared to watch this season. Imagine the sadness when her star moment was being gun-fodder to an insane police deputy. Come on writers, you can’t tell me the only way to make Penelope interesting was to “stuff her in a refrigerator.”

Then Nick Brendon popped in as a FBI computer hacker. I hate to say it but this is one of the more believable of his post-Buffy roles. I blame his 7 year genius as Xander Harris and the lack of Brendon getting a fair turn in that TV/movie action(damn you again Fox) that his Buffy counterparts are enjoying.

Seeing that the only pluses about the episode “Penelope” were that Kirsten Vangsness got a bloody center stage and that Nick Brendon played a geek again, I’ve come to realize this: A Patinkin-less CRIMINAL MINDS is a sad sight.

NUMB3RS “Graphic”
I’ve burned friends’ ears with this rant for years. Now it’s your turn to be set ablaze. The minute the NUMB3RS crew decided that we had to be given a lesson on how the lens of a camera works was the second NUMB3RS became a worthless idiot show in my book. It’s the time of Big Brother via the public and the government. How the hell can anyone who claims mathematics mastery have to explain to the fucking FBI, of all organizations, how the angles of camera positions work in a real world setting? It baffled me then. It still baffles me now. When story can’t hide idiot ideas with some kind of skill it irks me.

I solved the equation by not wasting another 44 minutes on NUMB3RS.

Then Geek Avatar Wil Wheaton boasted he was to appear on the episode “Graphic.” I buckled to the Internet Deity’s might and forced the DVR to obey.

“Graphic” was NUMB3RS foray into the world of comic book madness. Wheaton played Miles Sklar, a comic book artist that’s all about collecting things and making money. Christopher Lloyd dropped Marty off and arrived in time to play the old comic book artist genius Ross Moore, a genial man, with anything that would make him the least bit more interesting smoothed away leaving only a marble pillar in its place, slowly dying in relative poverty despite having inspired a generation of new artists. Sklar was set to sell a Moore book for a ridiculous amount of money. The Seth Marlowe character is basically the creator/fan with a noble cause and good intentions. We all know where good intentions lead.

Now on to what made “Graphic” worth an hour of the couch hugging your butt. Peter MacNicol chewing up screen time and reveling in nostalgic exposition. Joe Morton sneaking around the plot’s outside being an intrusive Vanity Fair journalist. Wil Wheaton playing an ambitious skeevy bastard. The subtext in true life comic industry rivalries that were superficially glanced upon.

And that’s it.

NUMB3Rs is still pretty stupid and uninspiring. Only the power of The Wheaton compelled me to take the time out of my day. TV Suits make a note of this and possibly throw him a series or something.

Psst. Wheaton. I expect a 10% cut of all your future earnings after you blow-up the small screen.

An Unofficial Internet Agent to the Stars Groonk’s gotta eat.

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I went to check out Moon Bloodgood‘s official website. It turned out to be MySpace nonsense. (Ms Bloodgood, please look me up when you want a more professional web presence.) It did have a voting thingie on it.

I voted and discovered I could share with the rest of the world. Isn’t Web 2.0 grand?

The list they give you is too long in my opinion. It should be broken up into genre at the very least. Cause anything that competes against PUSHING DAISIES is gonna have a hard run.

From that monsterous list of shows I’ll say that JOURNEYMAN and LIFE tie for second place on my TV schedule.

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The much talked about amongst entertainment makers and watchers Writer’s Strike has struck. The last time I remember such a thing happening MOONLIGHTING was already slowly fizzling out of its concentrated funny. The strike didn’t do them any favors. The only reason I cared about angry writers back then was because it disrupted the hell out of my viewing pleasures.

That was some time ago. A time when watching good TV shows was my only ambition. Sad times, indeed.

Nowadays I’ve a different interest in creator’s getting what they’re owed. Seeing that I’m working on being one of those creators of one of those shows that you’ll hate but it won’t matter cause it’ll be popular and I’ll be rich and doing blow off strippers’ bellies in my palatial Kyoto Farmhouse on the Oregon coast which will be fully stocked with Bare Knuckle on tap.

I have lists. So many lists. The year 21st century has news sources(mostly New Media: irony not ignored) spilling the beans on this century’s creative revolution. The following(some of them now under the cut) are quotes from news sources and the blogs of creators whose work I admire. If you’re interested in such things, I suggest you click on the relevant embedded links for full opinions on the matter.

Mark Evanier: At some point in those few weeks, the Producers will be out there, citing the programs and movies that are still in production, selling press stories that say, “Gee, we’re not being hurt very much.” But of course, even as they’re saying that, execs are meeting to discuss what they’ll do in two weeks or three or whenever the backlog runs out. (One thing to keep in mind is that most of the media is controlled by companies we’re striking. If some development in this story is very bad for the Producers, how fairly do we think it will be reported on a channel owned by Disney or in a magazine owned by Rupert Murdoch?)

Warren Ellis:The WGA go out on strike today. If you’re in LA, give ’em a wave if you see them on picket. Regardless of what you might think of their negotiating team and tactics, the WGA are making a stand over some things that genuinely matter.

James Gunn: The only reason for the strike – and don’t believe anything to the contrary – is that the studios have refused to pay writers (and screen actors, and directors) residuals on new media. When you download a movie from Amazon or a TV show on iTunes, the people who created that content, who devised it, wrote it, acted in it, and directed it, get exactly 0% of the profits. And the studios want it to stay that way.

Stephen Falk: After fucking you once, Big Business certainly isn’t going to suddenly grow a conscience and un-fuck you years later out of the goodness of their heart. And that’s exactly what they’re trying to do right now. Fuck us hard. Not only are they refusing to renegotiate DVDs (claiming giving us 8 cents per DVD instead of 4 would make them too sad), they’re trying to jam all “new media” like streaming and digital downloads under that same equation; they have actually refused “for overriding business reasons” to negotiate at all over new media. (Streaming video would be completely unpaid, even if it’s ad-supported because they claim all streaming video EVEN IF THEY SHOW THE EPISODE OR FEATURE FILM IN ITS ENTIRETY is “promotional”. Seriously.)

A couple of news bits were dropped on the entertainment blogs ONTD and The Superficial.

• Celebs Talk About the Writers Strike
• Hollywood writers strike as talks fail
• JULIA-LOUIS DREYFUS joins the line
• Tina Fey talks a few things on video (That insider freak manages to not ask her for any blow)

Twitter has a Writer’s Strike twitter collecting news from all over the ‘net scape.

• http://twitter.com/writersstrike

Wonderful insights on Comics and the WGA by Bags and Boards.

Brian K. Vaughan also suggested United Hollywood for, “consistently dependable source of good information about the strike.”

• United Hollywood
• Writer’s Guild have a You Tube
• And an instructional on the basics of the strike
• An inspiring email via wannabetvwriter’s blog

And wonders continue to surprise. Ze Frank broke his silence/hiatus and said a word or two via his blog.

It’s Norma Rae up in this bitch, people. Or Chief Tyrol if that’s how you roll. Stand up and take notice.

…

No Comments | In: Movies, Pop Culture Love, Television | tags: ze frank. | #

Many hours ago over a dinner of hot wings and cold beer Dunc mentioned, MISS SWITCH. Her very name was a hotline to a vintage childhood TV. Back in the day, ABC broke apart cartoon movies and played them as Weekend Specials. (One of those tales included the curiously dreadful, BUNNICULA. Your vegetables will never be safe around him.)

I didn’t know all this back then. The internet wasn’t ready to share such secrets. But I didn’t need to internet to tell me that Miss Switch – in full witch regalia – was easy on the eyes. Did i realize this in 1980? Probably not. Do i recognize the cartoonist’s intent today? Definitely.

The sad fact of this latest trip down memory lane is the above is only a clip of the series. I’d love to revisit the rest. Just for a bit. It would be a short visit that would satisfy Kid Groonk for a year.

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I’ve mentioned to friends for some time now that THE OFFICE’s Michael Scott needed “a win”. Without that, he remains at the incompetent buffoon level, which although true, doesn’t help his character’s viewability in the TV-verse. Let’s say, it doesn’t help it for me.

Last night’s OFFICE was just the right size for concentrated funny. And last night Michael Scott got his win.

Corporate were idiots for not accepting his commercial.

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The nostaliga fueled insanity that began yesterday with FLASH GORDON stumbles blindly into C.O.P.S. “Fighting Crime in a Future Time.”

For the life of me I can’t remember anything worthwhile about this toon. Wiki reports it last about a year with 66 episodes in tow and that it was fairly popular. It couldn’t have been that popular cause the damn thing ended after a year and I’m blanking on any of the stories they featured.

Seeing the intro(look above) proves to me they were all about making the thing as stylized as the 80s could provide. A pleasant mix of 1930s prohibition crimefighting for relevance thrown into the future to make it interesting enough for an 8 year old to take notice.

In the 21st century, spats are like crimefighting Uggs.

I wasn’t 8 years old at the time but I was addicted to animation. If you haven’t noticed already. Can’t draw a lick though. My artist envy is great. So I watched the C.O.P.S. fight their crime in their future time as a time killer until something better came along.

If this “Drugs are Bad, Mkay” episode(part 1 & part 2) is any indication of a quality C.O.P.S. story, I would have been better off playing ball in the street.

No Comments | In: Television | tags: Animation, C.O.P.S., the 80s. | #

SCIFI Channel’s go at a new FLASH GORDON series had my mind racing. I could recall back in a more innocent day watching an animated FLASH GORDON. It was some sort of Filmation production. You know, the guys that would later do mid 1980s HE MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE?

Wouldn’t you know I found animated Flash Gordon on God’s Loving Heart(aka You Tube) just a few action-packed minutes ago. I settle in for a short gander at what 6 year old me used for eye-candy on Saturday mornings.

Oh. My. GOD!

Lizard Women scantily clad in black singlets? And they have whips!?I’ll be damned.

Princess Aura? Shitifre, look at her!

Two minute jokes about prison food that lack any sort of punchline? Well, that part I would happily forget.

My curiosity deepens. I must see what “The Monsters of Mongo- pt1” is all about. A few light clicks later and I’m rewarded with what has to be the best intro sequence of any 1979 cartoon. The best one I can recall, anyway.

LOOK at THAT! They blew the entire budget on the title sequence alone. Which explains why we see the same Run Cycle for Flash and Co. about 30 times in an episode. You hear that music? It makes me want to stand and fight all the Big Bads in all the world…mercilessly. Plus, rotoscoping is love.

Princess Aura has JIGGLE MOTION! No lie! The sequence as Aura and her Warrior Wenches(thanks for learning me new words Lion Man) rides a flock of Monster Ostriches in order to catch her an Earth Man. It’s there, I tell you, 4 min 36 seconds before Flash runs away from a herd of women.

I’m sitting here watching all these things and I wonder. Was Filmation looking to jump start the libideos of all 6 year old males in the nation? I look at Aura and I realize that’s why I dig lusty redheads with a penchant for evil.

I believe I’m ready for the new FLASH GORDON series now, SCIFI. I have a hope you don’t fuck it up. A hope that’s dashed when I re-read your latest PR report via the Sci Fi Wire.

The solution was to make the planet Mongo more of a real, dystopian world, Hume said: “It’s more of a Mad Max world that’s broken down into tribes. It’s sort of oppressed. It’s an ecologically damaged planet, and Ming [John Ralston] controls the only source of good water and sort of sells it. And his city … is almost like a modern-day Dubai. And outside of the city, there’s a lot of, like, small tribes. And a lot of those tribes are inspired by the original Alex Raymond tribes. So you’ll get to meet those characters.”

[…]

“We have Hawkmen, but they’re guys that … follow the way of the hawk … and are all about birds, and they do kind of fly, but they’re not guys with wings sprouting out of their backs. … The [Prince] Vultan character is a much more grounded leader of his people.”

I read that and compared it to the action adventure series I saw back in 1979 and I’m sure of one thing. You’re not quite sure what makes Flash Gordon FLASH GORDON. Whatever you need to do to update the idea sure, fine, if it floats your boat I’ll give it a test ride for a few episodes. But Hawkmen without wings? A Ming that’s not “Merciless”? Considering the source material that seems a bit silly.

Don’t worry, SCIFI. I’ll still give your series a looksee. The TV Universe is lacking any decent kind of fantasy, adventure these days. To look down on yours because of a few questionable concept ideas would be foolish. I mean, it couldn’t be any worse than the current hot mess PAINKILLER JANE. Right?

Shit. I just jinxed everything didn’t I?

No Comments | In: Television, Too Many Thoughts | tags: Animation, flash gordon, nostalgia, the 80s. | #

The week I take time off to go “off-world”, the upfronts attack and I miss all the networks selling their noise.

Luckily, TV Week has video previews for all the new shows in Fall 2007.
I’ve managed to not see them all yet. Blame it on responsibility as I really should catch some sleep.

I did manage to run through ABC’s new fodder. The only stand outs are:

PUSHING DAISIES: Quirky show about death means I’m all about watching it.

ELI STONE: Crazy mid-coitus hallucinations means it bought my chance in Hell.

CASHMERE MAFIA: Only because of Lucy Liu. I mean, Lucy Liu people… Damn!

Oh, and ABC is fucking insane if they think I’m watching that Geico/caveman bollocks.

In-fucking-sane, I said. I’m talking stand on a street corner preaching about mutant Space Rats insane.

In the meantime, let me re-iterate: Fall 2007 Pilot Preview

Then let me share my fast-love for PUSHING DAISIES:

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