{"id":862,"date":"2005-10-20T01:00:43","date_gmt":"2005-10-20T01:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/groonk.net\/bits\/?p=862"},"modified":"2005-10-20T01:00:43","modified_gmt":"2005-10-20T01:00:43","slug":"i-cannot-make-this-stuff-up","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.groonk.net\/bits\/?p=862","title":{"rendered":"I cannot make this stuff up"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’m late for class. I missed an earlier class. I won’t miss this one. I’m determined. I’m ready to go and out the door in 10 minutes time. I throw my bag in th epassenger seat. I round the back end of the car. I get in. I start up and reverse.<\/p>\n

THUD!<\/p>\n

It’s a clanky sort of “thud”. Sorta like metal scraping concrete.<\/p>\n

I’m confused.<\/p>\n

I get out and this is the shit I see.<\/p>\n

\"JACKED.jpg\"<\/p>\n

I’m dumbfounded. Mortified. Pissed RIGHT the fuck off.<\/p>\n

How did I miss this before I got in? I’ve no idea.<\/p>\n

I did get my head together and call the necessary people. The cops. The apartment manager. It was too late to get the insurance folks on the line.<\/p>\n

The officer and apartment manager laugh at the idiocy of stealing only one fucking tire. All that does is piss me off more. Even though I can<\/em> see the funny in it. I mean, who in fuck’s sake steals one <\/strong>motherfucking tire off a goddamn Ford Taurus?!<\/p>\n

Who in fuck does that? Really? I want to know.<\/p>\n

I ring DT and get him to help put on the spare. He’s a mensch<\/a> that guy. We get the car on the jack and find a rock the size of my head wrapped in a greasy hand towel under the rear suspension. DT puts the poor man’s jack in my trunk.<\/p>\n

I didn’t make it to class.<\/p>\n

As for the thieves I do have few things to say.<\/p>\n

If I ever <\/strong>catch you cunts rolling around town in your busted up hoop-d<\/a> sporting a 2002 Taurus tire, I’m gonna follow you back to your mobile shithouse and run each and every one of you fucks down like mangy bitches. When I’m done I’ll take that concrete jack out of my trunk and bash the ever livin’ fuck out of your skulls and chests.<\/p>\n

Then I’ll murder the shit outta you.<\/p>\n

I feel better now.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m late for class. I missed an earlier class. I won’t miss this one. I’m determined. I’m ready to go and out the door in 10 minutes time. I throw my bag in th epassenger seat. I round the back end of the car. I get in. I start up and reverse. THUD! It’s a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-862","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-too-many-thoughts"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.groonk.net\/bits\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/862","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.groonk.net\/bits\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.groonk.net\/bits\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.groonk.net\/bits\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.groonk.net\/bits\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=862"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.groonk.net\/bits\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/862\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.groonk.net\/bits\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=862"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.groonk.net\/bits\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=862"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.groonk.net\/bits\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=862"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}